Reflecting on 2014

2014 was an incredibly difficult year for me. The death of my beloved Mum in April was my worst nightmare come true. The memories of the weeks leading up to her death remain painfully raw with emotion. An incredibly special family time but so so hard for us all. We are so proud that she was able to pass in her much loved family home and in comfort. Giving her this was possibly the hardest thing we have or will ever have to do. It is important to remember the years I knew her as a vibrant, healthy woman rather than rehash those months. She is so much more than that time.

My Mum was the most wonderful person; without a doubt the person who knew me, really knew me through and through. Our relationship was fantastic, we were close. She battled her illness with grace, positivity and such braveness. Losing her felt like losing a large part of my identity and I have since spent much time figuring out how to be me without her.

I am so proud of how my Dad, sister and I have coped. We have been there for each other through the deepest moments of our grief and helped each other focus on building a future without Mum. We have all found the strength to see the best in life and notice the bright moments. Slowly but surely I think we each can see a wonderful life ahead (made better for knowing and having Mum).

Realising that the pain of Mum's death will never leave me has been important. It is changing from a burning, overwhelming grief into a dull ache. Every now and then I am so blindsided by sadness and missing that I feel like it takes my breath away....then I remember her bravery...feel it and move on.

I have also recognised that although she is gone she continues to be my biggest inspiration and mentor. Thankfully twenty nine years with Mum have left me many, many strong memories and I am able to draw on these as I move forward. Passing on some of these to Mae and letting her know just how special her Nana was is very dear to my heart.

Turning thirty is a big deal for some women but it didn't feel this way for me when I celebrated in July. I felt mildly uneasy, throughout my twenties...like I needed to put down roots somewhere. Now that we have our own home and garden, a little family and tentative plans for the future I feel so good. Don't get me wrong I loved my twenties. Mr. Fox and I have had some incredible journeys and fun times during them.

During a sunny week in September our beautiful girl arrived. Mae was the joy of my 2014. She is the bright shining light that pulled me through the grief. When Mae arrived I felt like I was able to properly focus on the future again. It was like it opened up again with her arrival. Mum had known about baby and so very very badly wanted to meet her. She would have loved being a grandmother so much. Mae has blue eyes and quick to smile. She is hardly ever still. I like to think she gets these from her Nana Fox.

Becoming a Mum after losing a Mum is healing and hard at the same time. I have a million questions and moments I want to share with my darling Mum. Thankfully I have been supported by our families. My Nana has been a great help. We talk often and so enjoy sharing moments of motherhood together. I find myself seeking out blogs by women who speak of raising resilient and kind children for inspiration too.

A 'Stay at Home Mum' has always been my ultimate dream job and I am very thankful that I enjoy it thus far. Being fortunate enough to fulfil this dream is amazing. Combining motherhood with crafting, gardening and keeping house is a fun challenge. It is important for Mr Fox and I that our children have one of us at home until they are at school (we are grateful that this is financially possible). We hope to raise compassionate, kind and resilient children and will work hard to nurture Mae and any future siblings with love.

I feel like I no longer have set expectations for the coming years as the past few have thrown up change after change. 'It is what it is' as I like to say. Change is inevitable and not always bad. I used to hate changed plans but now feel like I can roll with the punches. The feelings of being out of control when presented with change aren't there anymore and if they are they are fleeting. It feels really great to know that I can cope with most situations too. Challenges are good like that.

This past year has challenged me like no other year before it and with it came much personal growth.

I realise now what is important to me; family, friends, working with my hands, noticing and documenting bright moments and beauty

I found what makes me happy and unwind as I struggled to find peace within; sunshine, the seaside, gardening (especially mowing the lawns, watering the garden, picking and arranging flowers), going for a walk

I have reaffirmed what matters to me both in myself and others; honesty, integrity, positivity, creativity, motivation

As 2015 begins I feel present and fulfilled like never before. I have come to realise there is no point chasing joy as it is fleeting. It is better to embrace feelings of contentment and the deep sense of happiness that family brings.

I don't have any specific resolutions for the year but have intentions such as increasing my productivity both creatively and in the garden, embracing motherhood/family life with all it's challenges and wonderfulness, and making a few more day trips like we did when we first moved to Auckland.

2014 was one hell of ride but despite all the sadness has been the most important year of my life. It has been a year that has made me feel and reflect. I got to know me this year. Life isn't about figuring out; it's about living moment to moment with intention. 2014 has taught me that here and now is precious.

Spits and spats

Gardening has been done in little of snippets of time the past few months. Before cublet arrived my energy was waning and my belly was rather too cumbersome to enable much tending of the plots.

Spring brought rain and warmth. The seeds I planted sprouted with mixed success..the peas are going great and have in the past few days starting to produce pods. The chives are poking their little green shoots through the soil but the basil and coriander were a flop. I think the slugs got most of the carrot sprouts too.

Silverbeet and beans

Daisies 

The winter vege have been generous this week. Two huge cauliflower heads and a big broccoli too. I have been eating the first of the broad beans and yesterday the very first strawberries!

The celery is looking much healthier after some compost and the garlic is going crazy. The rhubarb has survived. Hurrah. With family staying and more than eager to hold the wee one I was able to get back outdoors. Was very good for this new Mum to work in the garden.

New passionfruit

Cublet has already had a few trips to the garden store with us. It takes a little longer with people wanting to take a peek inside the Solly Baby wrap! We love the wrap...great for when the wee one can't settle or if you need your hands free. Big fans of baby-wearing here. The new additions for the garden include;

• A passionfruit vine
• French marigolds
• Carnations
• Livingstone daisies
• Borage
• Daisy
• Capsicum 
• French lavender

But most exciting is the beginnings of a little orchard. We have always wanted to grow fruit trees but they are an investment and the wedding/renovations took priority. Now we are the proud owners of five fruit trees. They are grafted so from these five trees we should be able to harvest:

• Apple; Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Granny Smith, Splendour and Royal Gala
• Plum; Black Doris and Billington
• Peach: Black Boy and Golden Queen
• Nectarine; Fire Brite and Red Gold

It is so exciting to think of future harvests. It's nice to dream up thoughts of picking fruit with cublet in a few years time. Mae was given an Olive tree as a gift when she was born. I hadn't heard of this tradition before but think it is so sweet. I found a little about it here and here. We brought a big blue pot so that if we move in a few years we can take her special tree with us.

Baby orchard

Mr Fox has potted up a few little trees to take to the office. He has three that he rotates between home and work. A coffee tree, dwarf nectarine and a mandarin. I think it such a cool way to bring a little green inside a stuffy office.

We have been treated to lots of colour from our wildflowers. It certainly brightens a grey day. Hope that your gardens are doing well and the sun is shining wherever you are.

First time watching me in the garden

Cublet arrived!

Our darling wee girl arrived in September! A little girl..fancy that! I'm ever so glad we didn't find out her gender til she was born. Loveliest surprise after the hard graft of labour.

And oh what a gorgeous baby girl she is. She has brought so much joy and healing to us and our family. After a really rough two years it is wonderful to have an incredible little lass to focus on and love with all of our might.

We named her Mae Molly Ann.

Mae because Mr. Fox and I both loved it
Molly as it is such a sweet name
Ann for our wonderful Mums. My Mum's middle name and Mr Fox's Mums first name

We later found out that Molly is a pet name for Mary....my sister's name. How serendipitous!

Five weeks have passed since her arrival and it has gone quickly...although it feels like she has been here forever too. She is starting to smile and coo. Poppa Don and Sister Fox have fallen head over heels and have been able to spend precious time here. It was such a huge help having family here in those first weeks. I am so very lucky. Mr Fox's Mum and partner are coming this weekend and I can't wait for Mae to meet them. Family meeting little ones is the best.

One week old with special giraffe made by Nana Fox

Holding on tight to Poppa Don

So excited to have cublet here!

Cuddles with Aunty Mary 

Cute as a button and growing fast!